“Authentic leaders ask for help when they need it.” – Jeff Davis, Author

Reflections on Anthony Bourdain’s Suicide

When I heard of Anthony Bourdain committing suicide, I was shocked. Bourdain seemingly had it all – he was a celebrity chef, world traveler, and bestselling author. He was a well-liked man and dined with former President Barack Obama in Vietnam. He was a stud. As a world traveler myself who inspires others to travel the world, I admire Bourdain’s success and feel that he was a gift to this world. He wasn’t a hero of mine per se, but he was definitely someone I considered successful.

I’m currently living in Rotterdam, Netherlands, a little more than an hour train ride away from Amsterdam. When I heard of Bourdain committing suicide in France, relatively not that far from where I live, I felt both sad and confused. Why would Bourdain do this? Hearing of Bourdain’s suicide reminded me of Junior Seau’s suicide, which I talked about in the speech You Have a Purpose: Dealing With Disappointment and Moving Past Setbacks. Bourdain’s suicide also reminded me of Robin William’s suicide, which I talked about in my TEDx talk How To Fulfill Your Inner Life.

The purpose of this post is not to pass judgment on Anthony Bourdain in any way whatsoever. I have no idea what he was going through and I’m not a judgmental person. The purpose of this post is also not to analyze why he committed suicide. Instead, the reason I’m writing this is for two main reasons. One, to talk about the consequences of his actions, and two, to extract powerful leadership insights to help you as you deal with challenges and setbacks.

My Confession

I have a confession to make. I overdid it when researching Bourdain’s suicide, reading countless articles about it and watching YouTube videos. It actually made me somewhat crazy. I don’t do this with everyone I hear of committing suicide, but I tend to do this when I hear of a particularly unexpected suicide from someone I consider to be very successful and inspiring (Junior Seau for his incredible passion, drive, and dedication, Robin Williams for his gentleness and comedic abilities, and Anthony Bourdain for inspiring others to see past fear and boldly travel the world).

On the evening of Saturday, June 9th, 2018, I briefly dipped into a negative spiral and dark place. I deeply disliked the fact that someone as successful and widely-admired as Bourdain would choose to hang himself. This sets an absolutely horrible example for others. After Robin Williams killed himself, suicides by hanging increased. Vulnerable people thought to themselves, If Robin Williams hung himself, then I can hang myself too. That’s a f*cked up thing to think, but it’s the kind of example these icons set when they choose to prematurely end their lives.

Please know that I’m not in any way tainting or diminishing the impact people like Bourdain and Williams made on this planet. When I say they were gifts to this world, I mean it. That’s why it’s so sad and frustrating that they thought suicide was the solution. What I’m doing here is boldly and objectively looking at the facts – reality as it is – so we can learn from this and prevent more tragedies from happening in the future.

Now for the embarrassing part. I was with my girlfriend while in this brief downward spiral and I started an argument with her that didn’t need to be started. I love my girlfriend dearly and always treat her with respect, so I definitely didn’t do anything unforgivable. But she could tell I wasn’t being myself.

She said to me, “I literally could see your mood and attitude shift when you started to read more about this suicide.”

I had a beautiful day with my girlfriend, and reading more articles about Bourdain’s suicide had me feeling like crap. I was questioning a lot of things. Is success meaningless? If someone who had it all killed themselves, then what’s the point of doing anything?

After realizing that I was creating my own misery by focusing on something outside of my control, I ended up apologizing to my girlfriend and we were thankfully able to move beyond my momentary lapse in judgment.

I share this to point out that committing suicide doesn’t take away your pain. It merely transfers your pain from yourself to others. I’m a positive guy actively engaged in preventing suicides around the world, so I tend to be uplifting in nature – yet as I read about Bourdain’s suicide, I felt like life was some sort of cruel joke.

Committing suicide doesn’t solve the problem. It creates more problems and sets a horrible example for others.

Important Leadership Insights and Lessons Learned

Thank you very much for bearing with me through that and making it to the final section of this post. I know it’s not easy or fun to acknowledge our feelings, but it’s important we work through and process these difficult events in healthy ways. It’s also essential to keep the conversation going about suicide prevention so that we prevent suicides from happening in the future.

Reflecting on Anthony Bourdain’s suicide, here are three powerful leadership insights and lessons learned:

1. Ask for help when you need it. No matter how successful you are, you always need some sort of help and assistance from others. Don’t worry about being judged by others. Don’t worry about your business or external initiatives. Focus on yourself, care for yourself, and ask for the help you need. Asking for help is infinitely better than not asking for help. Asking for help takes courage and is a sign of strength. Authentic leaders ask for help.
2. Success is an illusion. No amount of social media followers or praise from the outside world is going to fill the hole on the inside. No one can make you feel whole. Only you can do that yourself, by virtue of how you think, act, and behave. I sometimes get caught in the trap of thinking that more social media followers will make me more successful, but that’s not the case. It might bring temporary happiness, but not long-lasting joy. Instead of seeking to feel fulfilled by external metrics, detach your self-worth from the outside world and validate yourself. No amount of external success can make you feel good about yourself in a sustainable way. True success comes from the inside. Inner first, outer second.
3. Don’t make the same mistake I did: don’t let the actions of others cause you to feel badly about yourself. By letting Anthony Bourdain’s actions negatively affect my mood, I gave my power away. Yes, acknowledge your feelings and process the situation in a healthy way, but don’t keep obsessing over something you can’t change. As leadership expert John Maxwell said, “Don’t bear the weight of other people’s decisions”. Anthony Bourdain was his own person. I say this respectfully and God bless his soul – he chose to enact a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and no one can change that. What we can change is ourselves, and our ability to not give our power away to others.

May Anthony Bourdain Rest In Peace. I’m sorry he was struggling and I hope we can learn and grow from this tragedy.

As always, it’s an honor to have you reading my blog. My goal is to provide you with value that enriches your life. Stay strong and stay grounded. Continue to keep life simple and keep moving forward. You are making the world a better place.

Jeff Davis is the author of The Power of Authentic Leadership.