An Inspiring Leader
Let me clear the air right now. I’m a diehard New York Giants fan. I love the Giants. I love Eli Manning. They’re my favorite football team. Eli Manning is one of my heroes. When I’m watching teams play, when I’m watching the NFL, it’s very hard for me to watch a team who are not the Giants. For whatever reason, I just love watching the Giants and during the regular season I don’t really watch any other team. But there’s one exception to that rule. There’s one player who caught my attention in ways that I can’t even fully describe. Whenever he was playing, he never played on the Giants, but whenever he was playing, I felt compelled to watch him. His name was Junior Seau and he was an American professional football player for a number of teams, including the San Diego Chargers, the Miami Dolphins and the New England Patriots.
It’s rare, even for a professional athlete, for someone to bring that level of energy and passion day in and day out to what they do. I mean, other players in the league said Junior’s literally one of the most passionate players in the history of our planet. He’d wake up his teammates at 4:30 in the morning, before 5:00 in the morning to get ready for the Sunday game. He was a true leader. His go-to signature move was the fist pump. If he made a great play on defense like getting a sack or making an interception, he would do the fist pump. Or if he’s cheering on his teammates from the sidelines watching the offense make a great play, he would do the fist pump. It was just so powerful. It really represented his energy and the way he was. I adopted that in my life. I played football and baseball in my life. I just loved the way that he exuded that energy day in and day out.
Now I’m very careful about who I look up to, about who I select as my hero. There’s a significant reason why I pick Junior Seau as my hero. He created a foundation to help reduce drug abuse and violence in our young kids today and he left a lasting legacy on our planet. He’s a powerful man and there’s so much light and love here. In May of 2012, I found out that Junior Seau shot himself in the chest and took away his own life. To this week, to this day, to this very moment, I still cannot believe it. It doesn’t make any sense. He had everything going for him. He had a successful NFL career behind him, he had money, he had recognition, he had millions of people who respected and loved him. I couldn’t believe it; right in the chest. When I reflected on it and thought about what happened, I realized that most things are not what they seem to be. People may have the success, the recognition, the money, but they’re lost on the inside. You never know what someone else is going through. How do I know that? Why am I saying that? I’m saying that because I used to be one of them.
The Dark Night of My Soul
Let me share with you a story that happened at the end of my high school years that ties in perfectly to what I’m talking about, and then I’ll tie it all together and leave us feeling empowered and fantastic. 7 ½ to 8 years ago, at the end of my high school career as a senior in high school, playing sports, I play both football and baseball. Football went horribly. I didn’t get one second of playing time. The other players on the team, especially my age, didn’t get much playing time either. Fine, it happens. But baseball was my life. It was my absolute life. Have you ever had something that you cared about so much, that you loved and you genuinely and sincerely enjoyed putting your focus and attention on, to the point where you felt your self-worth getting caught up in it? Have you ever had that love for something? For me that was baseball.
I said okay, football didn’t go well. And I did have a good balance. I got good grades. I stayed involved, but I constantly put all of my focus and energy into being on this team. I quit my winter sport so I could just train nonstop the entire winter. Let me be very clear about something, I was a good player. This isn’t just me saying this. I played on top Connecticut summer travel baseball teams, AAU, where the best players from Connecticut got together. And then we went and competed against the best players from around the country. We had tournaments, I remember, in Florida, Georgia, Ohio, Pennsylvania, all over. On top of that, I got recruited by division 2 and multiple division 3 schools to play baseball at a higher level, at an elite level. I went to showcases and I was tearing it up. I was doing amazing and it was a really good feeling to have all my hard work pay off. I played baseball my entire life. I’m from the Sandy Hook side of Newtown, Connecticut. I would get my neighborhood friends and we’d go play in the baseball diamond at Sandy Hook Elementary School, dreaming of one day playing in the majors. I played up in Newtown Middle School, all the way through high school. This is something that my entire life I constantly dreamed and fantasized of being on a team, spring of my senior year of high school.
So tryouts were running. I’m prepared. I feel great. And yes, I was a college recruit. Yes, I had all these summer teams that I was playing on at an elite level, but I still have to make the team. Yeah, of course, everyone expected me to be on the team in a good way. I was on the varsity team as a junior. I got into tryouts. I was gearing up and we’re facing a really tough pitcher. I got up to the plate. And he struck out a lot of our best hitters. He was a division 1 recruit, a senior just like me, who got recruited by one of the best schools in the entire country, an incredible pitcher. I was fouling off pitches, I went deep into the count, 2-2 pitch, no one could hit him, and I crushed a double off him. I remember that feeling of elation, of joy and pride that my hard work finally paid off, almost a home run off the left-centerfield fence. Teammates were cheering for me. We didn’t win the game but they’re just excited that someone got a hit off of this guy.
So we take the bus back to the locker room and I’m on cloud nine, all my hard work paid off, and the coach takes out his list. I’m excited, I’m fantasizing about how my time has finally arrived. My entire life, I’ve waited for this moment. I did it. He reads off the names of the people who made the team and my name wasn’t on the list. I was cut. I was cut from the baseball team. Have you ever been cut before? I couldn’t believe it. I was in shock. And I had so much of my self-worth wrapped up on this team is what made it so incredibly difficult.
When I speak to middle school students, to high school students, to graduate students and also to colleges and universities and their students, this message really resonates with them. But I’m so passionate about it and it’s so powerful that I feel confident it will resonate with you too. When I was driving home from that tryout in my car, I remember I had these negative thoughts, these three negative thoughts. I’ll never forget. I was trying to shake them but the more I resisted those thoughts, the more they persisted in my mind. And I was grinding my teeth and I had breakout acne, and my entire senior year was just the worst year you could imagine. It’s supposed to be your best year, but it was the worst year of my life. I remember those three thoughts – I’m nobody. I’m worthless. I’m a failure. I couldn’t shake it. I was driving. I was thinking I’m nobody. I’m worthless. I’m a failure. Because when you’re feeling down, when you’re feeling depressed, your mind plays tricks on you. When I got home, when I got back into the garage, I was shaking in my car. I was actually shaking and I thought how am I going to tell my sister who was so excited to see me play in my final season of baseball? How am I going to tell my parents and friends who knew me to be one of the best players, not only in the state of Connecticut but in the United States of America? How am I going to tell my future college coach who I committed to playing with and who knew that I was coming there to play baseball at an elite level because of my baseball talent?
That night I didn’t know if I wanted to continue living. I looked at the rope in my garage and then I looked through the window out to the tree out back and I was not sure if I wanted to continue living. There is a spark that went off inside me. It was from foundational knowledge and from things that I’ve done, but it was one last spark that went off inside me. Even though my self-worth was gone and even though I felt like my dream was shattered, even though I felt down, the spark went off inside me that said stop projecting in the future. My entire life was feeling that someday I’ll be happy. When I’m on the team, then I’ll be happy. When I’m a high school star, then I’ll be happy. So I geared four years of high school training to be happy in spring of my senior year. It got taken from me. I said stop projecting to the future. Stop worrying about the anxieties of the past. I said just one breath at a time. I was like just one breath at a time. Get through this moment and go to bed.
Please note: there were also some traumas I was dealing with that led to my severe struggles. What I’ve shared here is only the tip of the iceberg of my full story in terms of the abuse I faced in different areas of my life.
Dealing With & Moving Past Rock Bottom
What do I want to leave you with? What solid, practical, hard-hitting tips can I leave you with that I pulled from this experience, knowing that there are people like Junior Seau all around us, knowing that most things aren’t what they seem, knowing that success, money and recognition don’t matter if you don’t have your inner life in tune.
Well, the first paradigm is to take care of yourself and there are three sub-points to taking care of yourself. The first point is gratitude, an attitude of gratitude. It took me so long to learn this but what you focus on actually expands. As I read books by Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, Brian Tracy, Robin Sharma, what they say is that you actually create your own reality and what you focus on expands. I didn’t know that at 17, but I learned it over time. So every night before I go to bed, I’ll just write down or think about a few things I’m grateful for. For example, I’ll say I’m grateful for my vision. I’m grateful for my arms and legs. Not everyone in the world has arms and legs. I’m grateful that I have food. I’m grateful that I have a place to sleep. There’s almost usually and almost always something to be grateful for.
The second tip to taking care of yourself is to build a foundation. When you build a foundation, you surround yourself with the right people. This doesn’t have to be a lot of people. This might be a friend from work, a friend from school, colleague, relative, acquaintance, co-worker, whoever. But if you know they’re there if you need them, if you need someone to talk to, it will help you a lot. And then the other part about building your foundation, don’t make the same mistake I did. Don’t consciously put all of your self-worth into one thing outside of your control. Remember this – your self-worth is greater than any person’s opinion, any circumstance, any job, or any sport could ever dictate. Your self-worth is greater than any person’s opinion, any circumstance, any job, or any sport could ever dictate. Diversify your activities, have different groups and realize that your self-worth truly is infinite.
The third point about taking care of yourself: self-disclosure. It’s like letting the light in. I’m not talking about telling everyone you know. I’m talking about maybe a close friend, a colleague, even acquaintance, a relative, anyone. When you tell someone, it helps to alleviate your suffering. It’s not going to solve all your problems, it’s not going to take away all of your suffering, but it will alleviate some of it and having someone listen to you will help a lot. Consider talking to a therapist and psychologist of some kind. Remember that you have to take care of yourself to be able to help other people. And remember this, once you take care of yourself, then you can get out and start encouraging other people.
The second paradigm and the final paradigm has two points and that’s about getting out of yourself, into other people, and to move forward with your life (once you’ve dealt with your own challenges and gotten the help you needed). Point 1, about moving forward with your life, is to encourage other people. When someone comes to you with a goal or a dream, look them in the eyes and say I see that fire in your eyes and that passion in your soul, and light them on fire. Put that belief in them that causes them to know they have a purpose for being here on this planet. Wayne Dyer says that each child is born with secret orders. Nothing happens by accident. You are here right where you’re supposed to be, in the exact circumstance you’re supposed to be in, and everything happens in divine order. I didn’t know that at 17 but I’m sharing with you what I learned from my mistakes because I’ve made many mistakes. You disclose it to someone, you feel better, and you’ve built that foundation to move forward into encouraging other people.
What’s the final tip I want to leave with you with? God forbid I get hit by a bus tomorrow, one in a million chance, and my time on the planet is over, I can only share one thing with the world before I went, it would be this. It transformed my life and it caused me to move out of rock bottom to move forward. There’s a hidden opportunity in every setback. There’s a hidden opportunity in every setback. Never in a million, billion years, at the age of 17, would I have predicted that I would end up travelling to 5 continents, that I would end up finding a publisher and distributing a book internationally, that I’ll end up speaking at high schools, colleges, businesses, and organizations in Europe, New York, Connecticut, and other parts of the United States of America and world. If someone told me that at the age of 17, I literally would have wanted to punch them in the face. I would say stop telling me something I can’t do. I can’t do that. I’m nobody. I’m no one. I’m dirt. That’s what I would have said to them at 17.
Find the opportunity in your setback. It may not be initially apparent, it may be hard to find, but I promise you there is always a silver lining. It may take some time for that silver lining to emerge but that one tip above all else has transformed the way I’ve approached life, my interactions with other people and getting out there and helping other people in the world – because this is really not about me. Yes, I shared some of my experiences but it’s about helping other people.
I haven’t given anyone here a gift. You’ve given me the gift. When you listen to someone, when you truly encourage them, be there for them, you’re giving them the gift. When I’m driving to work this morning, in my car with my thoughts, I’m going to think wow, I was given an amazing gift this morning because people listened to me and I am eternally grateful for you giving me that gift.
If you have no one else to talk to, you feel like you’re at rock bottom, and you don’t know what to do – I know what that feels like. I’ve been there. Our situations and circumstances are vastly different but feelings are universal. Feelings are what connect us in the human family, not only across the country but the world. If you have no one else to talk to and you feel like you’re at rock bottom and you are embarrassed like I was to tell another soul about what happened, then send me an email. I’ll talk to you. I will tell you that you have a purpose. I will tell you that you are here for a reason and everything happens for a reason and that you can find the hidden opportunity in your setback. My email is jeff@jeffdspeaks.com.
Setbacks happen all the time. It’s challenging, it’s difficult. That’s life. It happens to every one of us. But if you connect with that spark inside you, if you continually move forward and take action, by building that foundation in yourself and by getting into other people and helping them realize that they can achieve their dreams too…that you can help other people, and you can find that hidden gem within the worst circumstance. If you do that, I promise you, you will reach the mountaintop. Junior Seau, this one is for you. Thank you.
Jeff Davis wrote the award-winning book Reach Your Mountaintop: 10 Keys to Finding the Hidden Opportunity in Your Setbacks, Flipping What You’ve Heard on Its Head, and Achieving Legendary Goals as well as the Amazon bestseller The Power of Authentic Leadership: Activating the 13 Keys to Achieving Prosperity Through Authenticity. To learn more about how he can benefit you, your team, and your organization, feel free to email him directly at jeff@jeffdspeaks.com.
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