To Reprogram Yourself You Need to Change Your Beliefs

The CTO Who Had No Empathy

I once spoke with a colleague about his experience working with a jerk CTO (Chief Technology Officer). This jerk CTO was not emotionally intelligent and had no empathy. A bad boss who lacks empathy can ruin a company and people’s lives. This colleague worked at the same company of the story I’m going to share with you below from my own experience.

This colleague of mine had severe difficulties in his private life. And yet he was treated like crap, shown so little empathy. The CTO showed zero care. In the words of my colleague describing this CTO, “It felt like he was a robot. I’ve never met someone with so little empathy before. I was crying about my struggles and he sat there emotionless.”

When dealing with bad people like this CTO, it’s crucial that we detach our self-worth from their words and actions. This is easier said than done, but possible with practice. We need to make sure we know that what someone like that says and does is about them and not us. People’s judgments and harsh words are often how they feel about themselves and the world. People also sometimes project their own weaknesses, anxieties, and insecurities onto others.

When members of the C-Suite have no empathy for others, they lose engagement with their team. Empathy is the bridge that allows leaders to relate to the people they serve.

It was really helpful to meet up with this colleague outside of work to discuss our challenging experiences with this company. Apparently, this company had been ruining people’s lives for years. Here’s my experience:

Detaching From the CEO’s Nonsense Words

A few nights ago, in deep reflective meditation, I came to a powerful realization.

I realized that I was linking other people’s vicious, cruel, and destructive words to my self-worth.

I had unlinked this consciously years ago. From the level of my conscious mind, I had already freed myself.

But at an unconscious level, I was still a prisoner.

Let me tell you why I went into this meditation:

A CEO I worked with at a company I worked for in Rotterdam, Netherlands said some vicious things to me. He put me down for me being myself.

I was especially confused because he had me speak professionally to the whole company. He also bought eighty copies of my bestselling book and distributed it to all the employees.

When I put these leadership insights into action, he criticized me. It was all a show to him – there was no substance or depth. It became clear that his support of my message was all just words, and at the end of the day, his actions spoke louder than his words (my message is to move beyond the superficial “show”, get into the reality of the “mud”, and seek to make things better by changing things).

This is really embarrassing to admit, but even years after leaving this company, his vicious words were still bothering me. So, I went into this meditation I told you about at the beginning of this post to investigate my psyche.

At a deeply unconscious and subconscious level, I had a belief that his saying those cruel things about me meant I’m not worthy as a person. I also believed that it meant I was worthless. I thought the only way I could finally become “worthy” is if I could be worthy in his eyes. If only I could get him to see the negative impact of his destructive words, then it would finally mean that I’m lovable.

The thing is, this CEO was addicted to cocaine. He could not see the destructive impact of his words, and I’m fairly certain he has a personality disorder.

This CEO will never validate me. Putting other people down is all he knows.

The only person who can validate you is YOU. In this meditation a few nights ago, it was like a huge load was lifted off my chest. Even though this drug-addicted narcissist CEO made me feel worthless and unworthy, I realized that I AM worthy. I am worthy of love, despite the way he treated me.

This deep-seated unconscious belief that someone’s cruel words mean I’m worthless is directly related to my trauma, where I was severely abused.

I consciously knew that the CEO’s words were nonsense, but it wasn’t until I went deep within my psyche and changed this unconscious belief did I FEEL the truth. And the truth is, I am worthy of love even when the CEO treats me like I’m a bag of crap.

I feel freer right now than I have in a long time. It feels like I’ve been born again, and this huge weight has been lifted off my chest. I’m a new man.

Sharing this with you as I live it and put these insights into action myself.

To reprogram yourself you need to change your beliefs.

Take Your Power Back and Reprogram Yourself

Over the past couple of months, I’ve been posting on this blog about the importance of strong leadership in the C-Suite. When leadership is lacking in people of positions of power, it can negatively affect the whole company.

In order to take our power back, it’s important to remember that the only person we can ever really change is ourselves. While there are some CEO, C-Suite members, and executives who are open to improving their leadership, there are many others who are never going to change. This is a difficult truth to face, especially when we find ourselves in a toxic and messy situation.

Start by deeply understanding that your worth as a person is not tied to the criticism, insults, and verbal abuse of idiots like the aforementioned CTO and CEO. To do this you are going to need to reprogram yourself consciously and unconsciously. Use notecards, affirmations, self-hypnosis, and deep meditation. Talk to people who remind you of your worth. Read uplifting books and watch inspiring documentaries. Seek other sources of professional help.

While the world has its fair share of rude and disrespectful people, the liberating truth is that those cruel people do not determine your worth. You do. And you are infinitely worthy and valuable on so many levels. The world needs you.

The story of my colleague above as well as my own difficult experience are representative of the difficult situations countless people find themselves in. These verbally abusive CEOs and C-Suiters are ruining people’s lives because not everyone is able to detach their self-worth from the company they work for. Not everyone is able to reprogram themselves.

But, with practice, you can deeply know that you are a fully valuable individual regardless of the way people in the C-Suite treat you. You deserve to be emotionally free.

This is the same company in which I dealt with the worst boss I’ve ever had, an insane CMO (Chief Marketing Officer). Yeah, this company was a toxic mess!

Jeff Davis is an award-winning author, most recently publishing The Power of Authentic Leadership: Activating the 13 Keys to Achieving Prosperity Through Authenticity. Connect with him on LinkedIn and follow him on Twitter. For three free books (The Power of Authentic Leadership, Reach Your Mountaintop, and Traveling Triumphs) in exchange for being added to his email list, email his Executive Assistant at meg@jeffdspeaks.com. Learn more about his story on his About page and feel free to check out his author page on Amazon. Also feel free to contact Jeff directly via jeff@jeffdspeaks.com. What Jeff does best is sharing his work experiences in a way that adds real value to others. Consider bringing him to speak as a mental health, authentic leadership, and/or resiliency expert at your next event. He’s also available as an Executive Coach.