Photo: briantracy.com
As you work on establishing a rock solid foundation to fall back on even when times get tough, it’s essential to remember that you will have moments when you don’t feel great. But when you think of yourself as a leader, regardless of your present circumstance or situation, you will be implementing into practice a mindset of serving others and staying humble.
The moment I felt like I made progress, my insecurities would rush back. The moment I finally started feeling confident for once in my life, someone would laugh at me, and I’d start feeling bad about myself again. On many days, I did not feel I’d be able to ever make substantial progress.
I share this for several reasons. One, I don’t want you to get frustrated or mad at yourself if you apply some of these tactics, and then you fall back into your old ways. It happens to the best of us. When you fall back, the goal is to more quickly remember that things will be alright. The more you beat yourself up for falling back and making mistakes, the longer you will stay down.
The catch-22 here is when you replace self-doubt with self-love and ease up on yourself, you make progress more quickly. You will, of course, continue to hold yourself to high standards and be your best. At the same time, it means that if you make a mistake or fall short of what you know you are capable of, instead of going back down into the dungeon of despair you will reflect and learn from the situation. Make it a point to look for the silver lining, even when it’s difficult to find, and then take action to move forward.
The other reason I share my own challenges with getting out of the darkness is because I want you to know you don’t need someone else to call you a leader. You can lead from your current situation. You can be a leader even when you are at the bottom of the totem pole. You can lead even when the last thing you think you can do is be a leader.
You Can Always Lead, Even When You Think You Can’t
If I can become a leader, so can you. I mean that sincerely. When I went to Sandy Hook Elementary School and Newtown Middle School, I was the shyest kid in the school. I’m now outgoing.
Throughout 2015, I frequently led meetings at the Hartford-Springfield Speakers Network Group in New England, a group consisting of some of the best authors, speakers, coaches, entrepreneurs, philanthropists, and business owners in the region. Also, through my successful digital marketing career, I’ve led teams in companies across the United States and Europe. I then transitioned into a career as an author and speaker.
I’ve also failed countless times. I didn’t get much playing time on my college baseball team, but everything is relative; having been cut from my high school baseball team, I could appreciate just being on the team even though I was a bench player. Rather than sit around and feel sorry for myself, I decided to root for my teammates, encourage them when they were feeling down from a bad play, give them high-fives, and be an avid supporter.
This may seem inconsequential and like it didn’t matter, but most of my teammates appreciated having me around because they knew I brought good energy with me. I wasn’t good friends with some of them, but I did have fun stepping on the field with them. Yes, I was incredibly frustrated that the coach didn’t give me a shot to play and showcase my minor-league caliber hitting abilities, but I wasn’t going to let that keep me bitter since I still had an opportunity to lift my teammates up.
Look for the Hidden Opportunity
With every setback is a hidden opportunity, some kind of silver lining. As a leader, it’s important to think about how you can transcend your current situation and move forward.
I was a college recruit athlete and one of the best players in the state of Connecticut. My college baseball coach saw me at a showcase (where top high school players play to impress college scouts and coaches so that they can get recruited to play at a higher level) and I was considered by many people there to be one of the best players on the field.
When it came to hitting, my strongest aspect as a player, I hit more doubles than anyone else on the field. I was crushing the ball and completely in my element.
After that showcase, I got recruited to play at a collegiate level by many schools, including McDaniel College – where I ended up going to school. My college coach didn’t even know I got cut from my High School baseball team. He would have been beyond dumbfounded if I told him that happened because I was one of the best players on the field, competing against some of the best high school ballplayers in the nation.
The challenging part of this particular circumstance is that while my college coach started out as a huge supporter, he ended up becoming a critic. Have you ever had someone go from a supporter to a critic in your life? Imagine being close with someone and then having them unexpectedly turn on you. Even though I was a college recruit athlete and one of the best players in the state of Connecticut, I had one bad game in the fall season of my freshman year of college (it happens to even the best ballplayers out there) and my college coach made a split-second decision that I was no good – after that I had many good games in scrimmages, but he didn’t seem to take note of my successes. I made the college team, but the coach had an impression of me that couldn’t be changed.
A bit unfair, but completely out of my control. At the end of my sophomore year, with a boatload of new recruits coming in, my intuition told me to consider studying abroad. McDaniel’s main campus abroad is in Budapest, and I’m 25% Hungarian, so I felt like it was meant to be. I definitely wasn’t running away from my college baseball experience – I was consciously entering into a life of adventure by deciding to live more fully.
After really thinking about it and weighing my options, I ended up studying abroad. On my third day there, by serendipity, I found out about a Hungarian baseball team. I tried out, did well, got along with all my teammates, and joined the team.
As the late Randy Pausch, author of The Last Lecture, said, “We cannot control the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.” If I had been a starter, I would have never gone abroad, but I trust everything happens for a reason. And ironically my travels have become the foundation of my entire writing and speaking career. Funny how that works, isn’t it? The very thing that I initially thought was an obstacle, delay, detour, and second-best option – not getting any playing time on my college baseball team and going abroad – became one of the best years of my life and the fuel to the fire of my achievement.
I went from a disastrous high school baseball experience, to a less crappy but still terrible college baseball experience, to competing in tournaments across Europe against some fantastic ballplayers, people who were at the minor league level. I didn’t let others stop me from doing what I loved.
You can find a silver lining in unexpected, unwanted, and unwelcomed situations. Always look for the silver lining and even when it seems impossible to find, you’ll find it if you really look for it. What I’ve learned from my conversations with leadership experts is that if you look for the good in even really bad situations, you are demonstrating an ability to be an example for others. Leadership is about looking for the silver lining in a challenging situation.
Dare to Be Different
Bill Corbett, an author, professional speaker, trainer, friend, and mentor of mine, also has some valuable leadership insights that tie right into the self-leadership Heather told us about.
Bill and I both spoke at a youth leadership conference in early March of 2016 to an audience of eight hundred students – Heather Hansen O’Neill, who we just heard from in the previous pages, is the one who created and hosted the event, bringing Bill and me in as speakers.
I spoke in the morning but stayed to hear the other speakers.
“Leadership is about doing something different than everyone else,” Bill said.
Bill talked about the importance of standing out from the crowd and being a leader in many areas of your life.
“Show leadership in your home by getting everyone to sit down in a room at some point in the week and share something going on in their life,” Bill said. “It might sound like something you don’t want to do, but it’s a great way to connect with your family and find out what’s going on in their lives.”
I love this. Leadership is about stepping outside of the norm and doing something you wouldn’t normally do. At first, sitting around chatting with your family, without the distraction of television or electronic devices, may seem uncomfortable. But it will lead to a heightened sense of connection with your loved ones, which will be useful to have when you experience setbacks.
The other aspect I love about Bill’s insights into being an unconventional leader is that it doesn’t have to be about doing something on a grandiose scale. Yes, that’s where you’re headed, but start small and work with what’s in front of you today. Leadership may mean going to the coffee shop to work on your project instead of going out and drinking alcohol. Leadership may mean strengthening a relationship with your family member by putting the phone down for a half hour instead of endlessly being lost in social media and email.
If you are anything like how I used to be when I heard about leadership, you roll your eyes and think, oh great, now I have to figure out how to go to Washington, D.C. and speak in front of tens of thousands of people, changing the world. I’ve made this mistake as much as anyone else, and I have the frustrations to prove it. But what I’ve learned is it’s not about trying to change everything at once. Think globally, but act locally. Make a small, tiny shift in your habits. Be a little bit kinder. Work a little bit harder. Have a little more discipline. Encourage others and genuinely care about what they’re experiencing. Do this and you’re genuinely a leader. It’s not about changing the world in one fell swoop. It’s about leading yourself, being an example for others, and stepping into your unique possibilities one day at a time.
Reaching your Mountaintop is about making daily progress by leading yourself. It’s about focusing on the small things within your control rather than the big things outside of your control.
Bill has been through a lot of ups and downs in his life and has persevered through it all. He shows leadership by encouraging and helping others in many different ways. He’s a great example of the possibilities that can open up when you focus on leading yourself instead of worrying about what’s outside of your control. He also embodies the fact that leadership is more about creating leaders in others than it is having people follow you. Rather than trying to get people to be like you, encourage people to dare to be the quintessential version of their own self!
Key Aspects of Leadership to Remember
As a quick recap, here are some of the best leadership insights. Any one of these points can change your life for the better:
- Make small, tiny, daily changes.
- Give away the credit and take the blame.
- Serve, encourage, and inspire others in a real, genuine, and practical way.
- Seek not to gain more followers, but to help create leaders in others.
- Act with courage and integrity by doing the right thing even when it’s not the most popular or well-received decision.
- Always respect others and treat people with kindness, but don’t be afraid to rock the boat if you know you are moving the ball forward and sharing your authentic message.
- Freely share yourself with others – be open, vulnerable, and willing to reveal your anxieties and fears (when the time and situation are right).
- All leadership starts with self-leadership: rather than worrying about changing the world or other people, go to work on yourself. Get so busy improving your own habits, thought processes, actions, and daily activities that you don’t even have time to criticize or judge others.
Concluding Thoughts
When you are applying some of these tips, insights, and strategies, remind yourself daily that leaders aren’t afraid to be themselves and create their own formula of what works for them in their lives. Every day, every hour, sometimes even every minute, the world will try to convince you to be someone you’re not. Push back. Push back respectfully and kindly, but never be afraid to push back. There are so many different ways to be successful – choose the way that works best for you!
For example, my author friends tell me just to write. My speaker friends tell me not to worry about writing at all and just speak. My digital marketing friends tell me to forget about writing and speaking and grow my career in the lucrative field of marketing analytics. And my travel friends tell me that I should be solely focused on a travel blog.
What works for me is to combine all of these, with a focus on the business and corporate markets. It’s alright to have multiple passions! It’s ok to apply bits and pieces of advice from others without listening to every little thing they say. You are your own person, your own boss, and no one is in control of your life but you. People can help and offer advice. Sometimes the advice they offer is helpful, but in the end, it comes down to you understanding yourself and your needs. That’s what self-leadership, and eventually leading others, is all about.
Sometimes you’re going to have to ignore the opinions of others. Sometimes you’re going to have to detach from the dysfunction going on around you and keep your eyes on that vision instead of the stressed craziness of people who lose their cool for no reason. Just make sure to live what you teach others. Be a person of character and have the same personality with everyone you encounter.
Some people teach principles to others, but then they don’t LIVE those principles themselves. Of course, it’s a challenge to live the principles, and no one is perfect, but the effort needs to be made daily. Be true to your word and live your message.
Regardless of what others think, say, or do, be a leader and example for others by showing your true self to the world and just GOING for it. You can do it, my friend.
Questions for Reflection
- Think of a negative or unpleasant situation you experienced recently. What is the silver lining? What is the hidden opportunity in the setback? If what happened was completely out of your control, what can you learn from the situation about yourself?
- What is the big fifteen-year vision for your life? What is your five-year vision? What is your one-year vision? What is your four-month vision? What behavior will get you to your vision, starting today?
- How can you lead yourself better? What is one small thing you can do, starting now or tomorrow, to show leadership in your daily life?
This is an excerpt from Chapter 4 of the award-winning book, Reach Your Mountaintop: 10 Keys to Finding the Hidden Opportunity in Your Setbacks, Flipping What You’ve Heard on Its Head, and Achieving Legendary Goals.
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