Be Authentic

“Vulnerability and authenticity lead to genuine success.” – Kathryn Zonghetti

Authenticity is the best way to put the Mountaintop mindset into action. Not only is it pivotal to your success, but it is the perfect setup for the rest of this book.

I was recently speaking to the Students for Professional Advancement (SPA) and Empowering Dreams for Graduation and Employment (EDGE) groups at Central Connecticut State University, and I started the talk by discussing the crucial importance of being authentic. There is nearly nothing that will shortchange your endeavors faster than being someone you are not, and there is nearly nothing that will help you more than to be fully and authentically yourself and who you were meant to be.

I certainly have flaws and shortcomings, but one thing I have going for me is that people say I’m authentic. Being authentic allows me to make real connections with other people. I genuinely care about them and seek to help them, as opposed to the hidden agenda so many people carry. You can (and will) absolutely get paid for helping others, but you must make it your first priority to have a sincere interest in the welfare of yourself and the people around you.

This does not mean you will let people use you, nor does it mean you will be afraid to sell yourself on your true value. Being authentic helps to know when to draw boundaries and stand up for yourself. You refuse to be fake. Do you want to be truly authentic? Then make a firm inner decision to do so, right now.

Don’t Overcommit

Chris Salem is a keynote speaker, life coach, nutrition specialist, leadership expert, and master networker. His strategies will help you to be more aware of the choices you have, live a happier and healthier life, and speak from the heart in all of your interactions with others. I sat down to meet with Chris at a Starbucks in Newtown, Connecticut, the town where I grew up.

We immediately discussed our hectic schedules. We were glad to see one another and at the same time laughing about how we barely have any free time. One of the keys to achieving your own version of success is to stop overcommitting yourself. And when you do commit yourself, make sure you are doing something you really want to do. Being authentic doesn’t mean pleasing everyone. It means being clear on who you are and staying true to your values in any and all situations. Make time for the right people, but don’t commit yourself to the wrong people and situations.

If you are overcommitting to something you truly enjoy, then that’s not really overcommitting: it’s enjoying life. But my tendency, as a people-pleaser, often causes me to overcommit. The good news, though, is I’m improving at saying no to others and so can you. This is the hard part of authenticity, but it’s a learnable skill.

So HOW do we shed our fear of saying no to people? If you’re anything like me, you don’t want to just learn why something is important, but how to do it. The answer is detachment.

Chris describes himself as a “prospeneur” who runs an affiliate marketing and networking business. He is also a life, wealth, and health coach. His success comes from his incredible drive to help others. Please keep in mind that this is not “yeah, I love helping others, but really I only care about myself.” What is so truly outstanding and mesmerizing about Chris’s personality is that he genuinely helps others in any way he possibly can, with no expectation of reciprocation. I gravitate towards genuine people, and this is no exception.

“You’ve got a great presence,” I said to Chris. “I love chatting with you; I feel like I’m with my uncle or something. This is great.”

“Thanks, Jeff,” Chris said. “I appreciate that. It all boils down to detachment. If you come from relaxation and ease, it will actually make people not only want to be around you more but to do business with you. I kid you not, I get more coaching clients than you would ever believe by just relaxing, being myself, and genuinely trying to listen and help others. Too many people are jumpy and filled with expectations, which pushes people away. But if you are one hundred percent YOU, people will sense that relaxation and an energetic connection will occur because you’re detached from the outcome.”

“Is this the best way to be authentic while saying no when necessary?” I asked.

“Yes. If you are negative in your head, that energy is pushed into your interactions with others. People can distinguish between authenticity and fakeness of short-term gain more easily than you may think. And people appreciate straightforwardness. Come from the point of being confident, relaxed, and at ease. Operate from this mindset and you’ll build better connections with people than you could have ever imagined,” Chris said.

It’s Not Easy: The Understatement of the Century

Adding my own insights here, that’s why so many people are inauthentic. It’s not like they’re trying to be. Most people have good intentions and are doing the best they can. But when their heads are filled with negative thoughts all day, it’s no wonder they sometimes come off as mean, calloused, or fake. They are too focused on the negatives. In addition, some people are pure fakes, and they are to be avoided entirely.

Growing up, I would sometimes hear teachers say, “Don’t be negative. Be positive!” And I would roll my eyes every time. But as I matured and evolved, I realized that being negative ties into being inauthentic. After learning this, I did everything in my power to break my habit of negative thinking. While not all my teachers were good, it turns out many of them were right after all.

Being positive isn’t easy. Truth be told, most days it felt downright impossible. Forget about two steps forward and one step back – it really felt like one step forward, seven steps back. And that negative progression was on a good day. But I kept fighting for something better. I kept looking for that silver lining, even when I couldn’t find it. I kept battling my tendency to want to criticize, condemn, and complain. It was a long, slow, arduous, and downright painful process. I did everything in my power to get my mind off of the bad stuff. Meditation. Notecards. Phone calls with family members and friends. Long, reflective walks. You name it, I probably did it. And you know what? It was a sloppy and difficult process. But on the other side of all of these efforts is fearlessly showing your authentic self to the world.

Change is painful in the beginning but becomes easier as you go.

If you haven’t been as authentic as you’d like in the past, don’t worry about it. You can change your thought processes and habits to reflect who you really are, starting today.

That’s what this book offers: the next step. A deep dive. A real, hard look at the way things really are and a process to move beyond the dysfunction. To become genuinely confident and your own person, you must embrace and apply the Reach Your Mountaintop process to your life at every step and turn.

Now, this does not mean to avoid or disregard the negative. It simply means to consciously shift and replace the negatives with something better. For example, during my school years, my sports life was literally a disaster. No joke, I could take the story from the first chapter and turn it into a 200-page book with all the unexpected twists and turns. But rather than share a sob story that neither of us really cares about at the moment, let me boil it all down to this: when I focus on the GOOD that came from those bad situations, such as what I learned, the serendipity that came from it all, and the friends I made, I feel peace in knowing that everything happens for a reason. As the late, great Susan Jeffers said, “Even though you may not be able to see it in the moment, it’s all happening according to the Grand Design.”

Sometimes Susan’s quote may be the last thing in the world you want to read. I get that as much as anybody. But if you use this framework as a general compass, you’ll more easily find the silver lining and hidden benefit in the difficult situations life presents you with.

You Don’t Control Other People, You Only Control Yourself

Let’s get back to my conversation at Starbucks with Chris, as he offers us so much.

“I saw your YouTube video in which you talk about getting away from the wrong people and bringing the right kind of energy into your life,” I said.

“Right,” Chris said. “Glad you saw that. I’m generally a relaxed person. But when I get around my ex-wife, I become jumpy and anxious. When someone is anxious and filled with chaos, it makes you uncomfortable around them. You can either absorb or repel others’ energy. However, life will be a lot easier if you get around the right kind of energy and absorb it.”

“But what if someone who you thought has good energy betrays you or does something ill-mannered?” I asked. “For example, I’ve had close friends stab me in the back before, and some people have spoken badly about me behind my back.”

“You have no control over somebody else’s actions,” Chris said. “Why put that stress on yourself? Go with the flow and let go of the control. Let go of the control and life will flow. It all goes back to the continual practice of detachment.”

Chris helped me to embrace one of the paradoxes of life. Life is filled with contradictions. And it is up to each one of us to embrace these contradictions in our own way. The more we let go and detach, the easier success will come. We all know success is NOT easy, and it takes hard work, dedication, and positive habits. However, when we remind ourselves to have fun and detach from the outcome, life flows more easily. This is one of the keys to letting go of doubt, achieving our goals, enjoying life, and just being ourselves.

Balancing Ambitious Friends with Not-So-Ambitious Friends

I’ve often heard it said to completely cut ties with people who are no good for you. While this is the best course of action in some cases, it’s not usually necessary. Chris helped to bring this paradigm back into balance for me and hopefully he can do the same for you. Yes, you must get around the right people, but you can also let loose every once in a while.

“Just because someone is not a go-getter doesn’t mean you have to cut them off,” Chris said. “If they’re not completely toxic, it’s alright to hang out with them and continue to be yourself. Just manage your time effectively around them. Spending too much time with people who are not in the flow or in a success mindset will hold you back. But there is something called Friday night.”

I laugh. Chris chuckles and continues, “My suggestion is to spend 80% of your time with successful people and 20% your time with the others. The problem is that most people have it backward.”

“I get what you mean, Chris. If someone absolutely needs to cut another person off, then they can cut them off, but the vast majority of the time there’s no reason to burn a bridge. Can you talk more about what you mean when you say ‘success’ and ‘successful people’, and how that ties into this crucial foundational concept of authenticity?” I asked.

“Yes, absolutely,” Chris said. “Success is not just about the money. When I say success, I’m talking about ethics, trustworthiness, and happiness. Much more importantly than money, success is tied to one’s character and general life attitude.”

“Yes, I’m following you,” I said. “There is much more to success than just money. Too many people seek solely financial rewards and payoffs, and that’s why they end up unhappy. Very powerful stuff here. But I must say – doesn’t the world revolve around money? Don’t most people have some kind of hidden agenda? Isn’t it easier said than done?”

“Of course,” Chris said. “You ask the right questions, and I love that about you. Now we’re really getting into it, and that’s the name of the game. Practicing what you preach and applying what you learn. I’ve met wealthy millionaires who were miserable, and I’ve met teachers with an average salary living in an average home who were the happiest people you’ll ever meet. I’d rather be around the happy teacher. In my book, they’re the more successful one because of the authenticity behind their actions.”

Did you follow that part of the conversation? Chris is saying you need to shift your mindset to understand that success does NOT stem from money. Money will simply reveal more of what you already are; that’s why putting your authenticity first is so important. Yes, pay the bills – and by all means make as much money as you can so that you can expand your influence and help more people in the world – but please don’t ever think money is all there is.

“The reason why so few people are successful is because they say one thing and do another,” I said. “This is the core delusion of success. People think that successful people can do whatever they want and get away with more things than the average person. What they don’t realize is that people only get to where they are because of YEARS of staying connected to their values, being authentic, and taking one step at a time by putting one foot in front of the other. Want to put yourself in the elite few? Then be a person of your word and follow through on your promises. And if you haven’t found what excites you in life yet, don’t worry, it happens to the best of us – but don’t quit. Refuse to give in. Keep on looking for that something and you will find it.”

“Very well said Jeff,” Chris said. “I mentioned that it’s important to have 20% of your time a week given to relaxing, downtime, and having fun. This percentage will vary from week to week, and the optimal percentage will vary for each person, but it’s essential that most of the time you put up boundaries with people who don’t have your best interests at heart; when you’re in that mindset of constant personal development and getting to the next level, you need to detach from the average person and get around people who are doing just as good as you are if not even better.”

“This is powerful stuff Chris,” I replied. “Thanks for sharing all of this. Today was a good day, and I somehow feel lighter and more focused.”

For the record, there is absolutely no judgment of others here. There’s a difference between judging someone and choosing to step away from them.

Everything is a Choice

As the conversation continued, Chris and I began talking about life choices, something everybody is inevitably faced with. Chris is more conscious than the average person, in the sense that he has tapped into higher levels of awareness when it comes to making more of the right kinds of choices.

When I asked Chris about life choices, he said, “Anything and everything in life is a choice. A negative thought may come, but you choose what to do with it. When someone cuts you off or tailgates you in traffic, you have a choice as to how you will respond. When it comes to choosing your own state of being, you must first BE what you want to experience in the world.”

“Please explain further,” I said.

“I mean become the man or woman you are looking for,” Chris responded. “The great law of reality and life, if there is one, is that you attract what you are. That’s why it’s so important to make the right kinds of choices, because you will attract people making similar kinds of choices. We all have insecurities and anxieties; that’s an unavoidable and normal part of the human experience. But it is solely each person’s responsibility to consciously change their thoughts, words, and actions on a daily basis.”

To expand on what Chris is saying here, we all are going to slip up. We all are going to have setbacks, disappointments, and temporary defeats. But if we follow Chris’s words of wisdom, and remember that we are choosing our responses to life, we will be better able to handle life’s ups and downs on our journey to the Mountaintop.

You heard me say it once, and I’ll say it again: this is YOUR Mountaintop, YOUR journey, YOUR definition of success, and no one else’s. I can’t emphasize this enough because the moment you become overly concerned with other people’s opinions, you lose. Instead, choose to use the criticism from others as added motivation to be your best. That’s Mountaintop living at its finest.

Someone I interacted with, who shall remain nameless, didn’t support me writing this book and probably thought it wasn’t the best use of my time. I let it act as added motivation to finally get this book project completed and out into the world. Seeing that people are still living other people’s lives, I know this message is needed.

Chris is an inspiring and wonderful man of integrity – I say that sincerely, from the bottom of my heart and soul. I hold my head high, and I continue to treat people in the world with kindness and respect, even when I am not returned the favor. Chris taught me the value of being authentic, even when other people don’t return the favor.

What makes you authentic? Think about it and reflect on it, both in your mind and on paper. Knowing these core qualities about yourself will serve you well when you do a deep dive into your soul later in the book. For me, what makes me authentic is that I am a man of my word. In every sense of the phrase, I live this to a tee. I owe no one any money, and I always follow through on my promises. If I promise someone something, I follow through. On the rare occasion that an emergency interferes with an appointment, I apologize profusely and make it a point to reschedule. I don’t leave anyone hanging high and dry, and I’m a genuine, true friend.

I also always make sure to return favors to people. If someone introduced me to a connection that helped with my business, I’ll do the same or something similar for them. If someone does something to help me, I’ll do something to help them.

I get frustrated when people don’t always follow through on their word. “You have to understand that not everyone shares your values,” my girlfriend wisely told me. With that said, I’m glad that I’m so careful with my word. Not everyone is like this, so it makes me authentic. What is it about you that makes you stand out? What qualities do other people admire in you? Nurture these qualities because they are your base camp foundation as you head for your summit.

Embrace the Process

I first saw Jenny Drescher speak at the Hartford Springfield Speakers Network group up in Windsor, Connecticut. And – you guessed it – I was absolutely blown away by her authenticity. Her deeply caring, intensely passionate, and fully lovable self came across immediately, and I was hanging on her every word.

She told me how she used to be the weird kid, the oddball, the one who didn’t fit in. She heard over and over again that she must “always follow the rules.” It took many years of change and reflection, but she transformed herself from a rule-follower to a rule-breaker. In the past, she was always telling herself limiting stories, but she has completely changed all that, and now she helps others do the same through coaching, speaking, and facilitation.

“If a rule doesn’t work for you,” Jenny said, “figure out what does. Don’t be mean or disrespectful, just do what works for you on your terms. Be revolutionary if you need to. Someone will be glad you did. Be bold, be audacious – that’s where your power and real self lies waiting.”

I mention Jenny here because she is very strong and she’s the perfect person to tie all of this together. Here are four of her tips:

1. Get really clear about where you put your energy. Monitor your schedule more closely so that you can block out time and achieve the things that are important to you. When your mind is distracted and unfocused, you will have a hard time bringing your whole self into each moment. And you need your whole self to be authentic.
2. Eliminate distractions. People aren’t so much intending to hurt and blow off other people as they are living in distraction. Lives are wasted sitting in front of televisions and social media screens (this mirrors Daniel Midson-Short’s tip from his awesome speech in Malaysia I was able to see, which is to be present with the people you are with instead of constantly looking at your phone). There is nothing wrong whatsoever with television and social media as long as it’s done consciously and in moderation.
3. Learn to say no. At first it feels uncomfortable, but the more you do it, the easier it will get. Remember that every time you are saying yes to one thing, you are saying no to something else. If you are fired up about something then definitely don’t be afraid to say yes to it, but also beware of the “should’s” and “have to’s” that prevent so many people from achieving greatness. They used to stop Jenny as well, but now they no longer have any power over her and the same can be true for you. Being authentic means being kind to others and it also means being true to yourself by saying no to others when and where necessary.
4. Laughter can go a long way in getting out of your own way. Laughter and play. If you feel stuck, go play. Do something that makes you happy, and lose track of time. You’ll find yourself naturally feeling more authentic.

Jenny really hits the nail on the head with this deceptively simple, yet incredibly powerful four-step process for bringing your full authentic self to every area of your life.

“Follow the ENERGY,” Jenny says. “I know it sounds a little kooky, but it works. What hits you in the gut the hardest? Money and fame aren’t good reasons to follow something. Don’t fulfill someone else’s expectation; follow your gut and listen to your inner wisdom. Usually, there’s a little whisper or voice inside that knows better.

“Go back to that which you are naturally drawn to. People have to make choices from their heart, not from their head. We get in trouble when we are too much in our heads.”

What Jenny is saying here is that when you do something you are drawn to even if only for a few minutes a day you will be happier, healthier, and more authentic. Happiness is the way to your goal! Don’t think that someday you will be happy; you can be happy today.

“I love this,” I said. “And what if we find it hard to be authentic, like on negative days when our energy level is down, we feel frustrated, and things aren’t going our way?”

“We all have those days at times. The thing to remember is everything happens in perfect time, even when it doesn’t seem like it,” Jenny said. “And there is no failure. I always tell my clients to celebrate failure because failure is just as important as success.”

Jenny knows the struggle. She balanced a corporate job for many years while growing her business. She also knows what it’s like to be treated poorly by others. Yet now she’s an inspirational leader and role model just like Jenn Scalia and Chris Salem.

She had to make sacrifices, move closer to work to buy herself more time, and even reduce her exercise time to find/create more time in her day. She knows that you probably won’t be able to live your dream schedule right away. But that authenticity, that purpose, that power that Jenny embodies so well stems from drawing yourself back to what makes you tick.

Are you feeling the good vibes yet? Put your inner life first and watch everything else flow in divine order.

Concluding Thoughts 

I want to tell you something, my friend. I know there are going to be times when it’s challenging to be authentic, either because you are around jerks, or you are around people you simply don’t feel comfortable being around. I know the feeling – I wasn’t exactly buddies with most of my high school and college baseball teammates (sorry to say, but sports can be very difficult because of the bullying and judging). There are going to be days when your energy drops, and the last thing you want to think about is making an impact – I know that feeling all too well. We all know this feeling and anyone who tells you they don’t know this feeling is most likely lying.

“Everyone, even the most the most successful people, have bad days and experience setbacks,” Chris Salem said to me on the phone the other day when I told him of a setback I was experiencing. “If someone tells you that they never have any bumps in the road, they are lying to you.”

The difference is that when I have those bad days, I come back the next day bigger and better than before. This is where I went wrong in the past and where I’m going right today; it’s not about the bad days because we all have those. It’s about how you come back from those bad days. It’s not what happens to you; it’s how you respond that counts.

What does this authenticity have to do with achieving more and making your mark on the world? Everything. It’s the core foundation of true success. It’s the backbone of dealing with challenges and setbacks in a healthy and life-affirming way. And it’s the framework on which you can rest your soul regardless of what other people think or say about you. If you fall back and don’t always feel like you are being your authentic self, DON’T BEAT YOURSELF UP. Stay calm, regroup, and come back tomorrow better than you were today. That’s Mountaintop-level living at its best.

Questions for Reflection

1. What is a negative situation you experienced in the past? What are the lessons you learned from that setback and how can you share these insights to help others?
2. What is your deepest, darkest fear? How can you face that fear, with the help of others if need be, one step at a time?
3. When do you feel the need to control other people? What are some ways you can reclaim and live your authentic self?

This was chapter 3 from Reach Your Mountaintop: 10 Keys to Finding the Hidden Opportunity in Your Setbacks, Flipping What You’ve Heard on Its Head, and Achieving Legendary Goals. Jeff Davis is an author and authentic leadership expert.